Cupid's Crossbow

"Evan, love isn't about chemicals. It's about the magical connection you have with someone."
"Really, Louis? No, Valentine's Day is all about adrenaline and danger. Roses with thorns, diabetes from chocolate, a chubby man-child holding a weapon."
— Louis Huang and Jessica Huang

"Cupid's Crossbow" is the fourteenth episode of the fifth season of Fresh Off the Boat. It first aired on February 15, 2019.

Synopsis[]

On Valentine's Day, the mood is anything but romantic as Jessica competes with Louis to see who can give Evan the best advice on how to celebrate with new girlfriend, Sicily. Eddie asks Honey for help to find out who his secret admirer is after he's passed a love note on a Cattleman's delivery run.

Plot[]

To be added

Cast[]

Main Cast[]

Randall Park as Louis Huang
Constance Wu as Jessica Huang
Hudson Yang as Eddie Huang
Forrest Wheeler as Emery Huang
Ian Chen as Evan Huang
Lucille Soong as Jenny Huang (absent; credited only, as Grandma Huang)
Chelsey Crisp as Honey Ellis
Ray Wise as Marvin Ellis (absent; credit only)

Recurring Cast[]

Guest Cast[]

Beth Crosby as Denise
Matt Hobby as Kurt
Julia Garcia as Sicily
George Tover as Homeowner
Isabel Oliver Marcus as Tina Masterson
Alfred Woodley as Customer
Diana DeLaCruz as Middle-Aged Woman
Arrden Griffith as Peter
Carson Cooper as Classmate Carson (uncredited)
Keida Deryishi as Student (uncredited)

Quotes[]

Evan: My first Valentine's Day with a girlfriend. I can't wait!
Emery: Me, neither. I have three dates! One for each meal of the day.
Eddie: You guys are suckers. Instead of blowing money on candy and roses, I'll be spending it at the arcade, investing in Mortal Kombat.

Louis: Hey, Eddie. You can work on the 14th. You've got nothing going on, right? Big delivery day. Couples who stay in aren't making dinner. They're making hot... m-m-m-memories.

Louis: I know we already have the perfect Valentine's Day tradition – Doing our taxes...
Jessica: Time! Sorry, this Plymouth's about to eat a kid.
Louis: But what if we spice it up this year?
Jessica: Oh, you mean like claiming extra dependents? Louis, I'm blushing!
Louis: Actually, I was thinking of bringing a third party into this relationship.
Jessica: What?!
Louis: An accountant.
Jessica: Fat chance.
Louis: Hear me out. It'll pay for itself, and it'll give us time to try dinner and a movie this year.
Jessica: Louis, there's nothing more romantic than cheating the government out of money. That's what we're doing this year. Case closed.
Evan: Mommy, would you mind helping me with this Half-Windsor knot?
Louis: Y'know, Evan, you don't have to go to your mom for everything. I can help you with your tie. I'm wearing one right now.
Evan: That's okay. I trust Mommy.
Louis: Look, I know you're a "Mommy Guy", but some things dads live to weigh in on – Shortcuts, types of charcoal, seeing a plane in the sky and guessing where it's going.
Jessica: Louis, he's a smart kid. He knows who to go to when he needs help – Me.

Evan: You sure you can't sit with my brother and me?
Sicily: Sorry. Diane sprouted a small but mighty zit, and she needs us to pretend it's not there.
Evan: The jaws of puberty unclench for no one.
Sicily: Okay, see you in Science.
Emery: Big fan of all this. So... how do you plan on asking Sicily out?
Evan: I'm just gonna ask her.
Emery: You can't just "ask" out a girl anymore. Ever since Adam Block used the PA system to invite Beth Hopkins to Bennigan's, things have escalated. You've gotta go big.
Evan: I wore a tie today. I think I'll be fine.
Girl: Look!
Evan: [spotting a boy suspended upside down on a wire with a board saying "Will You Be My Valentine?"] Holy smokes! That's what boys have been doing?!
Emery: Yep. It's a full-blown romantic arms race.

Honey: Hey, Eddie! Nice to know someone in your family still knocks.
Eddie: Hey, so I got a love note from someone on my delivery route, and you're the first house on my list.
Honey: Um, you think I wrote you a love note?
Eddie: No, this is just a formality. Obviously it wasn't you. But it wouldn't be the craziest thing. I mean, you did let me give you that sensual hug to impress my friends at that block party four years ago.
Honey: I forgot all about that.
Eddie: Yeah, yeah, me too... I never thought about it again... until just now.
Honey: Well, Eddie, of course I didn't write the note, but I'd love to take a look at it. There's nothing I like more than a good mystery. I'm no stranger to Nancy Drew, you know.
Eddie: Huh. So you think this Nancy Drew girl could have written it?
Honey: Oh, boy. Hmm. I think you're gonna need all the help you can get.

Evan: Well, the middle school boys have really done it to me now!
Jessica: Who hurt you? I just need a name and an address. Mommy will take care of the rest.
Evan: No, I just need to ask Sicily out in a big, memorable way.
Jessica: Oh, well in that case–
Evan: Actually, I want to talk to Dad about this.
Louis: Yes! Louis! I guess I can squeeze you in. Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.
Jessica: Evan, I got this. I can help you with anything.
Evan: No offense, Mommy, but you're terrible at romance.
Jessica: Me? Terrible? Oh no. The bullies must have concussed you. I'll make you some soup.
Louis: Jessica, it sounds like his brain is working just fine. He knows who to go to when he needs help – Me. Now, before I help, I need to know one thing. Can you hold a boombox over your head for the length of a Peter Gabriel song?
Evan: Not "Sledgehammer", it goes on forever.
Louis: Well, that's the point of the... Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. I'm here now. Daddy's here.

Jessica: Do you really think you can help Evan better than I can?
Louis: Probably. Unlike you, I love romance. You stood up and booed at the end of Sleepless in Seattle.
Jessica: I've been to Seattle several times and slept fine.
Louis: And yesterday, you turned down my idea for a real Valentine's date.
Jessica: Just because I don't like being suffocated with stupid pink hearts and sex potions...
Louis: Sex potions?
Jessica: ...doesn't mean I don't understand romance. I'm good at everything I do even if I don't like doing it. I don't wear a tie, but I pick yours, and I taught Evan how to tie his.
Louis: Look, Evan chose me. He's in good hands. Why don't you talk to Grandma and solve one of her problems?

Louis: Your science fair idea is cute. But if you really want a home run Valentine's date, look no further...
Evan: I feel like we should hug after we get results, Dad?
Louis: No, I'm... I'm gesturing to Cattleman's! The most romantic steakhouse in Orlando this side of the monorail.
Evan: So you're saying I should have my date here at Cattleman's?
Louis: Hey, hey. Hi! You with me? I'm trying to build something here. I give you lucky Table 12. That table is 8 for 8 in proposals and a guarantee of a romantic evening. See how the carpet is frayed right besides that chair? That's from all the men getting down on their knees to propose.
Evan: Really? That table?
Louis: I know it doesn't look like much, but there is magic in that wood. That table was used on the set of Casablanca. I was told.
Evan: Intriguing. But is a table really going to compete with an upside-down boy on a rope?

Louis: Tell me how you two met. Don't tell me she was engaged to your best friend.
Evan: It was in science class. We were dissecting frogs.
Louis: Classic meet cute. Go on.
Evan: She had some toe-webbing on her shirt, I wiped it off, our eyes met, and my heart danced the dance of the gods.
Louis: Oh. Now, that's something we can use.
Jessica: Well, Louis, you said I couldn't do it, but I found a man.
Louis: What?
Jessica: This is Kurt. I picked him up off the street. You see, Evan, Mommy is not so terrible at romance.
Kurt: You have a kid? That's cool.
Jessica: Do you know how I picked Kurt up? Not with your father's mushy Valentine's nonsense.
Kurt: You have a husband? That's cool.
Louis: It is cool, Kurt.
Jessica: You see, I did some research, and the thing we call "love" is really just chemicals in the brain.
Evan: You don't say?
Jessica: Kurt was riding his bike by my car, so I clipped him with my door... activating a surge of adrenaline. This triggered his love response. Science! And you know who helps you with science? Me.
Kurt: I love this family. I can't wait for the holidays.
Louis: Uh, Kurt, if you wanna hit the soda machine, I'll get to you in a second.
Kurt: You want one, baby?
Jessica: Extra ice.

Eddie: It was you. You wrote the note because you felt sorry for me.
Honey: What are you talking about?
Eddie: You saw how bummed I was when my brothers were talking about their Valentine's dates.
Honey: Eddie, I don't feel sorry for you.
Eddie: You think I'm some big loser who's gonna die alone! Well, a lot of great men died alone! Tupac, Biggie... Fat Joe if he doesn't cut back on the sodium!

Jessica: I just wanted to prove that I could be good at romance, too.
Louis: Oh, why? You never cared about it before. The last time I got you flowers, you took it back to the grocery store and exchanged it for a frozen pack of chicken thighs.
Jessica: Fine, I don't care about romance. I care about Evan. And I didn't get to help him on this.
Louis: Well, that's okay. I did.
Jessica: Yes, and you are a wonderful father, but Evan always comes to me for everything. This was a big moment for him and he didn't need me. It made me feel useless.
Louis: I get it. It felt great when he finally came to me. Probably why I went a little overboard myself. I spent $470–
Jessica: What?
Louis: $40. I spent $40, on a frog costume. Jessica, you're not useless. He will always need you. This was one thing. He'll keep coming to you just as he always has. And every now and then he might not. And that's okay.
Jessica: How do I prevent that from happening?
Louis: You can't. But trust me, as he gets older, there will be a few things that you would rather I handle. Like, uh, the talk I had with Eddie about "long showers".
Jessica: Oh, I appreciate you keeping an eye on the water bill.
Louis: ...Hmm. Exactly.

Honey: I promise I didn't write you that love note, Eddie. I stopped dotting my 'I's with hearts in my 20s.
Eddie: I'm sorry I freaked out in the car. Honestly, I'm just bummed to be alone on Valentine's Day.
Honey: Yeah, that's normal. When you're a teenager, Valentine's Day feels like the biggest deal in the world. But the truth is, it's just another day.
Eddie: You're right. Prom is the day that matters forever.
Honey: Hmm. And besides, you weren't alone. I had a blast driving around town with you.
Eddie: Me too. Thanks. Hey, you didn't touch the Rubik's Cube in Trent's bathroom, did you?
Honey: What? No. No way. I didn't touch anything. I hovered and flushed with my shoe.

Jessica: Evan, I made you breakfast. How are your eggs?
Evan: I've had better.
Jessica: That's probably 'cause I put poison in them.
Evan: Say what?
Jessica: No, I didn't poison your eggs. I was just trying to get a chemical response out of you so you would be ready to accept my apology for ruining your Valentine's Day. So do you accept?
Evan: Accept what?
Jessica: My apology.
Evan: You didn't apologize. At all.
Jessica: So we're doing this? I'm sorry I ruined your Valentine's Day. You were right to go to your Dad. His ideas aren't always terrible. But when they are, you could always come back to me.
Evan: I know, Mommy. And you didn't ruin anything. Sicily and I spent the rest of the night hate-watching the high school science fair. All the mistakes are funny until you realize it's the future of our country.
Jessica: So we're okay?
Evan: Yes, Mommy, we're okay. And you don't need to pretend to poison me to get me to love you. Actually, there is something I could use your help with.
Jessica: Alright, I'm back in the game!
Evan: Sometimes when Sicily and I hug–
Jessica: Louis! Evan needs you!

Gallery[]

Episodes

Fresh Off the Boat – Season One

Episode 1 "Pilot"	Episode 2 "Home Sweet Home-School"	Episode 3 "The Shunning"	Episode 4 "Success Perm"


Episode 5 "Persistent Romeo"	Episode 6 "Fajita Man"	Episode 7 "Showdown at the Golden Saddle"	Episode 8 "Phillip Goldstein"


Episode 9 "License to Sell"	Episode 10 "Blind Spot"	Episode 11 "Very Superstitious"	Episode 12 "Dribbling Tiger, Bounce Pass Dragon"


Episode 13 So Chineez

Fresh Off the Boat – Season Two

Episode 1 "Family Business Trip"	Episode 2 "Boy II Man"	Episode 3 "Shaquille O'Neal Motors"	Episode 4 "The Fall Ball"


Episode 5 "Miracle on Dead Street"	Episode 6 "Good Morning Orlando"	Episode 7 "The Big 1-2"	Episode 8 "Huangsgiving"


Episode 9 "We Done Son"	Episode 10 "The Real Santa"	Episode 11 "Year of the Rat"	Episode 12 "Love and Loopholes"


Episode 13 "Phil's Phaves"	Episode 14 "Michael Chang Fever"	Episode 15 "Keep 'Em Separated"	Epsiode 16 "Tight Two"


Episode 17 "Doing It Right"	Episode 18 "Week in Review"	Episode 19 "Jessica Place"	Episode 20 "Hi, My Name Is..."


Episode 21 "Rent Day"	Episode 22 "Gotta Be Me"	Episode 23 "The Manchurian Dinner Date"	Episode 24 "Bring the Pain"

Fresh Off the Boat – Season Three

Episode 1 "Coming from America"	Episode 2 "Breaking Chains"	Episode 3 "Louisween"	Episode 4 "Citizen Jessica"


Episode 5 "No Thanks-giving"	Episode 6 "WWJD: What Would Jessica Do?"	Episode 7 "The Taming of the Dads"	Episode 8 "Where are the Giggles?"


Episode 9 "How to Be an American"	Episode 10 "The Best of Orlando"	Episode 11 "Clean Slate"	Episode 12 "Sisters Without Subtext"


Episode 13 "Neighbors with Attitude"	Episode 14 "The Gloves Are Off"	Episode 15 "Living While Eddie"	Episode 16 "Gabby Goose"

	]
Episode 17 "The Flush"	Episode 18 "Time to Get Ill"	Episode 19 "Driving Miss Jenny"	Episode 20 "The Masters"


Episode 21 "Pie vs. Cake"	Episode 22 "This Is Us"	Episode 23 "This Isn't Us"

Fresh Off the Boat – Season Four

Episode 1 "B as in Best Friends"	Episode 2 "First Day"	Episode 3 "Kids"	Episode 4 "It's a Plastic Pumpkin, Louis Huang"

Episode 5 "Four Funerals and a Wedding"	Episode 6 "A League of Her Own"	Episode 7 "The Day After Thanksgiving"	Episode 8 "The Vouch"

Episode 9 "Slide Effect"	Episode 10 "Do You Hear What I Hear?"	Episode 11 "Big Baby"	Episode 12 "Liar Liar"

Episode 13 "The Car Wash"	Episode 14 "A Man to Share the Night With"	Episode 15 "We Need to Talk About Evan"	Episode 16 "Ride the Tiger"

Episode 17 "Let Me Go, Bro"	Episode 18 "Measure Twice, Cut Once"	Episode 19 "King in the North"

Fresh Off the Boat – Season Five

Episode 1 "Fresh Off the RV"	Episode 2 "The Hand That Sits the Cradle"	Episode 3 "Working the 'Ween"	Episode 4 "Driver's Eddie"
Episode 5 "Mo' Chinese Mo' Problems"	Episode 6 "Sub Standard"	Episode 7 "Where Have All the Cattlemen Gone?"	Episode 8 "Cousin Eddie"
Episode 9 "Just the Two of Us"	Episode 10 "You've Got a Girlfriend"	Episode 11 "Driver's Eddie 2: Orlando Drift"	Episode 12 "Legends of the Fortieth"
Episode 13 "Grand-Mahjong"	Episode 14 "Cupid's Crossbow"	Episode 15 "Be a Man"	Episode 16 "Trentina"
Episode 17 "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'"	Episode 18 "Rancho Contento"	Episode 19 "Vice Mommy"	Episode 20 "Nerd Watching"
Episode 21 "Under the Taipei Sun"	Episode 22 "No Apology Necessary"

Fresh Off the Boat – Season Six

Episode 1 "Help Unwanted?"	Episode 2 "College"	Episode 3 "Grandma's Boys"	Episode 4 "S'Mothered"
Episode 5 "Hal-Lou-Ween"	Episode 6 "Chestnut Gardens"	Episode 7 "Practicum?!"	Episode 8 "TMI: Too Much Integrity"
Episode 9 "Lou Wants to Be a Millionaire"	Episode 10 "Jessica Town"	Episode 11 "A Seat at the Table"	Episode 12 "The Magic Motor Inn"
Episode 13 "Mommy and Me"	Episode 14 "Family Van"	Episode 15 "Commencement"